Moscow is a Nihilist

Moscow
Originally uploaded by kafkas_undies.

It's also the world's most expensive city. Take that, Tokyo.

And so while Moscow does not believe in tears, it begs the question: what does this great city believe in? Gold lamé and Renaissance-era furniture reproductions? Teacup chihuahua puggle hybrids? Louis Vuitton monograms?

Things and Crazy People

Montreal
Originally uploaded by kafkas_undies.

I'm not saying any of this actually happened, just that it might have. In theory. So let's suppose I went to Space recently. And let's say it was to see one of my favorite contemporary fiction writers, Gary Shteyngart. (He is the fucking man.)

And like any reading, this one was maybe followed by a Q&A. But here's the cool part about the Q&A: It ended. And then a non-Jew accused a Jew of being an anti-Semite.

This possibly fictitious incident highlights one key point: Portland is full of old people who spew leftist rhetoric but don't know history and don't listen to what comes out of their own mouths. Oh, and Gary Shteyngart rules.

Neighborhood Girl Mystery

Pow
Originally uploaded by kafkas_undies.

The girl around the corner loves her bunny ears. Every time I see her, she's wearing them. It's been this way for a year, maybe longer, and the ears keep getting dirtier.

They're the kind of bunny ears you buy at a novelty shop, the kind stapled to a white headband and sold in plastic packaging around Halloween time. Or maybe Easter. A strip of polyester pink sits in the middle.

The girl has had the same pair for over a year. She goes tanning often. You can tell. If she can afford tanning, can't she shell it out for a new pair of ears? Like what if she needs them to listen?

I want to ask her, but I'm afraid it's a tragic story. The girl is only twelve, tops. She likes sitting on the steps of her building - a bunch of apartments in what used to be a one-family back in the day before halogen light bulbs and Bonwit Teller. I wonder who she lives with.

I almost asked today, but thought better of it and then I almost called a radio show to ask their advice. But then I asked myself: what do a bunch of strangers know about dirty bunny ears?

Driving Death Around

guard
Originally uploaded by kafkas_undies.

Heard about this guy Vinnie, who used to work at a funeral home. It was a family operation in Brooklyn. Bay Ridge. Profitable business, the death thing. Anyway, Vinnie worked in the family shop. He was the guy driving around a shiny ‘50s black hearse. It was something right out of Bonnie and Clyde.

Remember all that blood?

One day, Vinnie got pulled over by a stable of cops. Pigs and their damn patriotic sirens, he might have said. Or thought. Long story short, the boys in blue took him down, shoved him into a windowless white van marked SPECIAL HAZARDS. He later stood trial for transporting bricks of coke along the Northeast. Drove them around in his little black hearse.

I heard about another guy, Frank. He used to be an undertaker in small-town Oregon, working with dead folk thirty-two to forty hours a week. It was a lonely job and there was no overtime. Frank got sick of the gig and quit. Now, he plays guitar in a punk band.

Cover Letter

Cancer in Blue
Originally uploaded by kafkas_undies.

Spice Factor

Language and faux-language

Leaving voicemails for self, but sending them to the wrong number instead. Accidentally.

Top 3 or 5 Lists
... Vegetables
... Woody Allen Films
... Poets
... Paint

Gardening on the Turnpike

Hansel and Gretel
Originally uploaded by kafkas_undies.

It's the first (and last) of the Jersey installments.

And in tribute to this bastion of over-populated tri-state ballyhoo, I bring you a story. It's about me, my brother, and things better left unsaid.

The basic gist is this (just follow the ellipsis)...

Imagine your parents having sex.

Next, imagine making your sibling(s) vomit by talking about your parents having sex and knowing that the topic grosses your sibling(s) out more than it grosses you out, thus making the decision a no brainer. A mature decision, really.

So I made my brother puke.

Then I turned down an invitation to go to Midnight Mass. I can't believe I didn't go. But I've just been informed that "good Catholics" go worshipping Christ-mas Day too, so tomorrow I will play the part of a good Catholic and invade a New Jersey church. Jealous yet?

I will also be awash in the cross currents of Jewish guilt. Jealous now?

Oh yeah. I would be too.

Postal Convergence

Sky
Originally uploaded by kafkas_undies.

Okay, listen, life has been really hectic. I've been denouncing like crazy in my head but have had no time for digital translation. A few more weeks and I am back. And like an abusive parent, I am convinced this hurts me more than it hurts you. Much more.

A few more weeks and thousands of words. Afterward, I will return unless I die first. Anything's possible.

Let me just add one thing: I recently ran into a FedEx, UPS, and USPS guy in conversation. On the street. I asked the overnight guys if there was any tension. They laughed and then taught me something valuable: the beauty of delegating.

UPS guy says, pointing to his FedEx counterpart, "The harder he works, the less I gotta do."

Free Advice

Oz
Originally uploaded by kafkas_undies.

Get ready for the best trade you'll ever make: your problems for my solutions. What's the catch? No catch, just free advice for people who need it. Why? Because the only thing I love more than helping myself is helping others, especially those who answer "yes" to one (or more) of the following questions:

Do you like people?
Do you hate people?
Are you afraid of sex?
Is sex afraid of you?

So what gives? Okay, here's the scoop. I'm starting an advice column in a local newspaper and to make the whole thing work, I need your help. Have a dilemma? Email me about it and sit back. You'll soon find comfort in knowing that I give fantastic (or fantastically bad, but funny) advice.

If you have a problem (i.e. relationship trouble, porn addiction, whatevs), send me an email. My *free* advice is practically guaranteed to make you richer and sexier.