Free Advice

Oz
Originally uploaded by kafkas_undies.

Get ready for the best trade you'll ever make: your problems for my solutions. What's the catch? No catch, just free advice for people who need it. Why? Because the only thing I love more than helping myself is helping others, especially those who answer "yes" to one (or more) of the following questions:

Do you like people?
Do you hate people?
Are you afraid of sex?
Is sex afraid of you?

So what gives? Okay, here's the scoop. I'm starting an advice column in a local newspaper and to make the whole thing work, I need your help. Have a dilemma? Email me about it and sit back. You'll soon find comfort in knowing that I give fantastic (or fantastically bad, but funny) advice.

If you have a problem (i.e. relationship trouble, porn addiction, whatevs), send me an email. My *free* advice is practically guaranteed to make you richer and sexier.

Pre-Midnight Denouncements

eyes
Originally uploaded by kafkas_undies.

Pardon the delay. Feel assured it had nothing to do with a lack of disappointments or frustrations.

Welcome to Week Two. Let the defamation begin.

Diagonally Backwards denounces... deadlines and having to meet them.

Diagonally Backwards denounces... group work where no one gets paid.

Diagonally Backwards denounces... bad dressers who think they're not and are prone to showing too much too often.

Diagonally Backwards denounces... mispronouncers of words like "often," "espresso," and "across." If an immigrant can master pronunciation of these simple terms, you can, too.

Diagonally Backwards denounces... regret. No use wishing for a return of minutes one will never get back.

Diagonally Backwards denounces... movie-goers who talk during the film, and double denounces those who kick the seat in front of them. Video rental exists for a reason. That reason is you.

When Feminine Becomes Its Opposite

Reading
Originally uploaded by kafkas_undies.

Are you a guy? Do you like collecting things but are concerned that your hankering for chochkies conflicts with your more-pungent-than-manure man scent? Well, burn those stamps and melt your spoons and prepare for the uber-masculine collecting niche: tea ware. Oh yeah. Think cast iron, glass, and ceramic. All at once, even. It practically screams babe-magnet.

And in the event friends are over and they decide to make burger wrapped bacon stuffed gorgonzola balls, beware. A teapot is not to grease what a shoe is to a foot. Dig? No one wants to have tea parties with grease.

Denouncements

Zipper Trouble
Originally uploaded by kafkas_undies.

Welcome to Monday. Monday makes some people cry. Are you one of them? Or do they just make you dry heave? In either case, I have the solution. They’re called denouncements, people. Soviet style. What better way to start your week than with a series of well-deserved, potentially libelous attacks? I guess you could add a cup of black coffee and a scowl to the mix. Oh, and an inflated sense of superiority. Don’t forget that part.

So without further linguistic dilly-dallying, I bring you the First-Ever Diagonally Backwards Monday Morning denouncements. Welcome to Week One. Let the defamation begin.

Diagonally Backwards denounces... Jimmy Kimmel. The reason should be obvious, but here’s a hint: Sarah Silverman.

Diagonally Backwards denounces... inconsiderate parents, especially those who walk down the middle of an otherwise empty sidewalk with gigantic strollers and don’t get out of the way when others want to pass them and their little bundle of diapered joy. Jesus. These are probably the same people who throw their kids birthday parties when they turn One and then get pissed if you don’t go.

Diagonally Backwards denounces... text messaging as a primary mode of communication. Who does that? People afraid of a live verbal exchange, that’s who. Text messaging – you are denounced. (Unless it’s an emergency.)

Yes, Please Send Grant Money

Finger
Originally uploaded by kafkas_undies.

I’ve got a piece in a show, art something or other, and I went to the opening reception the other night. I learned a couple things that evening. First and foremost, I learned that new-agey curator types make pretty bad keynote speakers. Really. I mean, chimes and gongs – no matter how small or how symbolic – should play no part in one’s opening address. Even if you’re going postmodern.

I also learned that to get the most out of these types of events – “to get the most bang for your buck” as the Americans like to say – you should get stoned and then go to the exhibition. Apparently, I missed that memo, but a solid 33% of attendees didn’t.

Granny Panties

Eat This
Originally uploaded by kafkas_undies.

Just when you think a filmmaker couldn’t possibly outdo himself comes Palindromes. (And don’t get your granny panties in a bunch – I mean “himself” in a gender neutral sense. Okay padre? Okay.) Yes, just when you think every boundary of good taste (and bad) has been crossed. Todd Solonz, I tip my hat to you. And by you, I mean Palindromes.

Who knew that dumpster diving for aborted fetuses meant cinematic gold? To that add obesity, disabled kids, and pedophilia and you’ve got yourself the greatest contributor to childhood delinquency since that Ozzy Osborne album blamed for all those suicides. Diary of a Mad Man. Solonz really tugs at your heart strings – plays them pizzicato, really – with the disabled kids, because get this: they’re both physically and mentally handicapped. That’s worth at least two reserved parking spots, non? Wait a second. Does the heart even have strings?

Speaking of the disabled, I was walking down the sidewalk and about 50 feet ahead is an amputee rolling along in his wheelchair. The guy isn’t really cruising because he’s got one of those old school manual rigs. So he’s rolling along giving his arms a workout. And I’m walking behind him progressively growing angrier and angrier, cursing Medicare for its stinginess because electric wheelchairs ought to be covered. I manage to contain the chaos because that’s what the cranial cavity is for.

It came down to this: the guy was rolling along. Slowly. I was gaining on him. Part of me suspected he used the manual wheelchair as a guilt prop. You know, to make the legged people feel bad. I’ve heard of crazier things and I didn’t want to rub it in, so I crossed the street.